How to Guide Adult Children Without Being Controlling

By far the biggest mistake parents make when trying to guide their grown kids is offering unsolicited advice, says Dr. Jennifer Freed, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family counselor. "It's infantilizing the adult," she says. "You're acting as if you know better than they do, and every adult child feels that's an insult to his self-respect and development."

Of course, it's easy to do, she acknowledges, since that's one of your roles when the kids are little. And most parents want their kids to continue to come to them for wisdom and comfort. "But your job changes when your kids are adults," says Freed. You need to have a more friend-oriented relationship where you brainstorm and discuss things, not hand down directives.

So hold your tongue when you feel like dispensing your wisdom. Instead, wait to chime in until your child asks for your advice -- and even then, only offer it if you're OK knowing he may or may not follow it. You're likely just one of many people and sources he's consulting before making a decision, and you simply can't take it personally if he disregards your advice.

If you've got grown children, chances are you grew up in an era when you didn't have a whole lot, and so now, you want to give your kids the things you didn't have. It's a nice intention, but it usually has negative consequences.

Your child needs to figure out his finances for himself. If you hear him moaning about wishing he could join his friends on a trip overseas and then promptly give him the cash to join them, he won't learn how to budget and save for a goal. It's the same thing if he doesn't deny himself anything, and then amasses a huge credit card debt that you rush in to pay off. If your child is truly facing a monetary crisis, first let her come to you for assistance, says psychotherapist Susan Ende, co-author of "How to Raise Your Adult Children: Real-life Advice for When Your Kids Don't Want to Grow Up." Then, if you'd like to help her out, come up with a legitimate financial plan together.

A lot of experts recommend that you never lend your adult kid money. After all, if he doesn't have the funds to buy something, he probably doesn't have the money to make loan payments to you, either. And with a loan, it's possible you'll feel that you have a say in how he's spending his money, which can easily lead to conflict. If you have money to share with your child but you don't want to make it a gift with no strings attached, be sure he knows all your expectations for repayment -- including interest if you choose.

Although unsolicited advice and money are probably the top two issues that cause conflict with parents and their adult kids, there are a few more things to keep in mind when parenting adult children.

Even though once you're a parent, you'll always be a parent, you have a wonderful adult relationship with your kids to look forward to when they're grown. Check out the links on the next page for more information about the parent-child journey.