If your teenager breaks a house rule, gets a D in geometry or saunters in two hours after curfew, chances are you're going to feel like yelling -- or launching into a long-winded lecture at the very least.
Your child doesn't really learn much from these moments -- at least, not anything good. What they do discover is that if they push your buttons you'll lose control. And now they know exactly what will put you over the edge.
When you yell or lecture, your child also learns how to tune you out. This happens in one of two ways: Your teen stops paying attention (even if you're 5 inches from his face) or he starts screaming right back [source: Vedral]. The result? No one is listening and, more than likely, this behavior is bound to repeat.
Try a strategy that gets more meaningful results. Plant a positive look on your face, and keep it there. Even when you're not happy with something your teen has -- or hasn't -- done. It may sound simple, but it sets the tone for the entire exchange. Keep your voice low, and listen more than you talk.
When you exact discipline, try to focus on meaningful consequences that are relative to the size of the rule that was broken. In general, the penalty for not taking out the trash should be less severe than the penalty for borrowing your car without permission [source: Lehman].
If you do find yourself in a shouting match, stop immediately. Explain that you don't like what is happening and leave the room to cool off. In this moment, you're teaching a coping skill. And that's really the point of parenting a teenager. Your goal is to equip your teenager with strategies he will successfully use the rest of his life.
Learn more about parenting and dealing with teenagers by visiting the links below.
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- Chen, L.H., et al. "Carrying Passengers as a Risk Factor for Crashes Fatal to 16- and 17-year-old Drivers." The Journal of the American Medical Association. 283, 12. 1578. March 22, 2000.http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/abstract/283/12/1578
- Cohen, Deborah, et al. "When and Where Do Youths Have Sex?" Pediatrics: The Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. 110, 6. 66. December 2002.http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/110/6/e66
- Direnfeld, Gary. "Challenging Teens." Feb. 3, 2010. http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/challenging_teens.htm
- Direnfeld, Gary. "Challenging Teens." Feb. 3, 2010. http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/tethered.htm
- Domitrz, Mike. "May I Kiss You?" Awareness Publications. 2003.
- Evans, Christine. "Parenteen: Parenting Defiant and Crazy Teens with Love and Logic." Self-help Publishers. 2009.http://books.google.com/books?id=86Z-JW6hpr0C&lpg
- Harris, Kathleen Mullan. "The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health), Waves I & II, 1994-1996; Wave III, 2001-2002; Wave IV, 2007-2009." Chapel Hill, NC: Carolina Population Center, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
- Geico.com. "Technology Aids Parents in Keeping Teen Drivers Safe." Feb. 2, 2010. http://www.geico.com/information/safety/auto/teendriving/parents-use-technology/
- Kristof, Kathy. "Money Skills for Your Kids: Ages 10 to 14." July 15, 2009. http://moneywatch.bnet.com/saving-money/article/money-skills-for-your-kids-ages-10-to-14/320680/?tag=content;col1
- Kuczmarski, Susan. Ed. D. Personal interview. Feb. 1, 2010.
- Lehman, James. "Trapped in a Screaming Match with Your Child? 5 Ways to Get Out Now." EmpoweringParents.com. Feb. 1, 2010.http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-stop-a-screaming-match-with-your-screaming-child.php#
- MacNeille, Suzanne. "Travel with Teenagers: Options for Taking the Sullen Set Along." The New York Times. May 21, 2006. http://travel.nytimes.com/2006/05/21/travel/21teen.html?pagewanted=1
- National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. "Youth Traffic Safety Statistics." Feb, 4, 2010.http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/portal/site/nhtsa/template.MAXIMIZE/menuitem.cd18639c9dadbabbbf30811060008a0c/?javax.portlet.tpst=4427b997caacf504a8bdba101891ef9a_ws_MX&javax.portlet.prp_4427b997caacf504a8bdba101891ef9a_viewID=detail_view&itemID=d91cd60670268110VgnVCM1000002fd17898RCRD&viewType=standard
- Pediatrics. "When and Where Do Youths Have Sex? The Potential Role of Adult Supervision." 110, 6. 66. December 2002.http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/110/6/e66
- Piacentini, Maria, et al. "Symbolic Consumption in Teenagers' Clothing Choices." Journal of Consumer Behaviour. 3, 3. 251-262. March 2004.
- President's Advisory Council on Financial Literacy. "2008 Annual Report to the President." 2008.http://www.jumpstartcoalition.org/PACFL_ANNUAL_REPORT_1_16_09.pdf
- Riera, Michael. "Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying." De Capo Press. 2003.http://books.google.com/books?id=ooD6jBrD6IMC&dq
- Silver-Stock, Carrie. "The Secrets Girls Keep." HCI Teens. 2009http://books.google.com/books?id=yjhkvBIDE64C&dq
- TeenDrivingCourse.com. "Driver Education." Feb. 4, 2010. http://www.teendrivingcourse.com/DriverEd.aspx
- Vedral, Joyce. "My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy." Adams Media Corp. 2003.http://books.google.com/books?id=yUO5DshNl2sC&dq
- Whitaker, Barbara. "Teen Dating: A Mom's Guide." GoodHousekeeping.com. Feb. 1, 2010. http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/teens/teen-dating-jul06
- Wolf, Anthony. "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager." Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 2002.http://books.google.com/books?id=oKdbCk_05wQC&dq
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